Just watched Desperate Housewives on Starworld. I think Desperate Housewives is really rather heartwarming, and it makes me feel like, “awww”. Which is different from Grey’s Anatomy, though both are wonderful, cause Grey’s Anatomy makes me sad in a rather strange kind of way. And well, it is the one show so far which has managed to make me cry more than one or two tears.
Well, I guess I am not one afraid to declare that I have feelings.
But recently, I think I have slowly been relegating my feelings elsewhere, if there was actually another place where feelings can go.
I try to wish them away, or get them to pass away.
I tell myself, “What you resist, persists”.
And sometimes they do actually go away.
Why? Why do I wish them away, try to employ all the techniques that I know of to rid of them.
I’m afraid I have begun to fear my feelings.
They suddenly seem frightful to me.
Energy uncontrolable, on a rampage, on a war path, leading me into a tornado of self destruction.
I no longer trust that my feelings lead me to wisdom.
I want control over them, I want them to work as they should, work to produce positive effects in me and in my life.
But they are not.
I have shunned them, I have thrown them out the window, I have asked them never to bother me again.
There was even a time when I had feelings towards me feelings. I hated them, and in so doing, I hated myself.
But now, I have moved beyond them. I feel myself cancelling my feelings, deleting them with a calm and serene state of mind.
But how much have I deleted, and how much I have suppressed I cannot say.
It is as though every time I try to delete a feeling plaguing me at the moment, a small bit of it, the essence, stays behind somewhere in the deep recesses of my heart.
And I have deleted with such delligence and serenity that by now, my recycle bin is rather full.
Yet how do I delete this small bit that stays in the recycle bin.
The small bit which you can always right-click and click restore?
This is my attempt.
Feelings are something which can be controlled, to quite a large extent.
This is something that I believe.
One way we try to do so is through rational thought.
What is this feeling I am feeling mostly?
Honestly, I can say that I am feeling overwhelming grief.
A very real sense of loss.
A sense that what was once there is no longer.
Unfortunately, my feelings are not reliable.
They do not necessarily paint an accurate picture of reality.
But they are there, this incessant need to make me feel lesser drives them.
Interesting.
It is always interesting to speculate over the true nature of your present.
It is usually only with hindsight do we have sufficient distance to assert a single official past.
Yet the nature of our present always elludes us.
Perhaps it is expectation which kills us.
Expectation expectation expectation!
I find that previous outburst ironic.
After all, I was supposed to go through this post slowly, calmly, with a sense of serenity.
Act as if.
Unfortunately, all I feel is my life rushing past me, and I feel a sense of panic.
Precisely why I cannot trust my feelings. They no longer work.
They lie.
Or perhaps there should be a distinction between emotion and feeling.
But all these I can go into depth when I have regained my sight.
I know now that I have been blinded by my grief.
All that’s left to do now, is to face it.
Calmly, rationally, with serenity.
